Your humour page

We all need a little lift some days and hopefully you will find something on this page that will help put a smile on your face.  They have all been supplied by members of the Association.

“Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.      
 
Two Women at the Pearly Gates
Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died.
1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally   died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the lounge watching TV.

1st woman: So what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive!

 

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and
exhaustive lab test, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
 He asked, "well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no", I replied. "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
 I said, "No, I heard that all red meat is very unhealthy."
 "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf / sailing
 /ballooning / motorcycling / rock climbing?"
"No I don't", I said.
He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"
"No", I said. "I have never done any of those things."
 He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?"

 

Arkansas Farmer

An Arkansas farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 12 opened the door. "Is yer paw home?" the farmer asked. "No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well, said the farmer, is yer maw here?" "No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with paw." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"  "He went with maw and paw." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. "Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer paw." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer paw.  It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant." The boy considered for a moment. " You would have to talk to Pa about that", he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

 

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a full life with the now departed Prince, she happily sat in her rocking chair watching the world go by with her cat Allan.
 
One afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared her Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. "Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was overjoyed. "I wish I was extremely wealthy", she said. Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Allan, her cat, jumped off her lap and ran to the edge of the porch quivering with fear. "Oh thank you Fairy Godmother," said Cinderella.

"Is there anything else you might wish for", asked the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I was young, beautiful and had the body I once had."
At once, her wish was granted. Fairy Godmother said, "You have one wish remaining, what shall you have?" Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish you to turn Allan, my old cat, into a handsome young man." Magically, before them, stood a young man with the looks and body that no other man could match.

The Fairy Godmother said "Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." and with that she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Allan looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most stunning man she had ever seen. Then Allan walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his muscular arms.
He leant close to her ear and whispered in a warm breath........................................ 

 
 
"Bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?"

 

 The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.
 After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
 The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do, why?"
  The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead out there!"
  The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside, and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The
 Lone Ranger got water for the horse, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better
  The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
 Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver.
 Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
  A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and a asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
 The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
  The cowboy looks him in the eye and says
  "nothin', but you left your Injun running".

 

The Tax Office sends an auditor to a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi, and says, I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes," answered the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked. "A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way... "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a Whole box of matzo balls." "Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?" "Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick like you."
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger The chef's claim was approved.

 

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab then the driver said, Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much to which the driver replied: "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years".

 

An airlines passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvin has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up bitch.

 


The Smiths were unable  to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start  their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith  kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam.  I've come to......."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting  you," Mrs. Smith cut in.. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well,  good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband  and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.

After a moment she  asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I  usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple  on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too....you can  really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't  work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good  one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot  from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the  results."

"My, my, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith... 

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly?

The  photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his  baby pictures.  "This was done on the top of a bus."

"Oh ! my  god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief...

"And these  twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs.  Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to  get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five  deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked  Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said.  "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly  squealing and yelling  - I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness  approached and I began to rush my shots.  Finally, when the squirrels  began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs.  Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed! on your um...equipment ?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready,  I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?.....Good Lord, she's fainted!!

 

This Policeman pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.
"I was only going 40!" the driver protested.
"Not according to my radar," the officer replied.
"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.
"No you weren't!" the policeman said, starting to get annoyed. With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said,
"Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking."

The Policeman pulled over a car and strolled up to the drivers window: "Excuse me sir, but do you know that you're driving without a rear light?"
The driver jumped out and ran to the rear of his car and let out a whimpering groan. The driver seemed so genuinely distressed that the policeman took a sympathetic view: "Don't take it so hard, it's not all that serious an offence..."
"Isn't it" the driver cried, "Where's my caravan gone?"
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral.
"Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls Royce," the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away. "Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone I learned that you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"
The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
A few quickies I am sure we can all relate to.                                                Remember, once you get over the hill, you'll begin to pick up speed.

I love cooking with wine.
Sometimes I even put it in the food.

If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.


Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Everyone has a photographic memory.
Some, like me, just don't have any film.

I always know God won't give me more than I can handle but
there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much.

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.      

If the shoe fits......buy a pair in every colour.

Never be too open minded, your brains could fall out.

Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more

than standing in a garage makes you a car.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Some days are a total waste of makeup.  

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.


Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.


Experience is a wonderful thing.
It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.


By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.


Learn from the mistakes of others.
Trust me...you can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
I've tried!!
3 men were travelling and happened to meet at a bar in Michigan. 1 man was from TX, 1 from FL & 1 from OHIO. They got acquainted & started talking about their problems with their wives.
The guy from TX began by saying, "I told my wife clearly that from now on she would have to do all of the cooking. Well, the 1st day after I told her, I saw nothing. The 2nd day I saw nothing, but on the 3rd day when I came home from work, the table was set, & a wonderful dinner was prepared with wine & even dessert."
Then the man from Florida spoke up "I sat my wife down & told her, that from now on she would have to do all the grocery shopping & all of the house cleaning. The 1st day I saw nothing. The 2nd day I saw nothing.
But the 3rd day, when I came home, the whole house was spotless, & in the pantry the shelves were filled with groceries."
The fellow from OH was married to a woman who had grown up in OH all her life. He sat up straight on the bar stool, pushed out his chest & said. "I gave my wife a stern look & told her, that from now on she would have to do the cooking, shopping & house cleaning. Well, the 1st day I saw nothing. The 2nd day I saw nothing. But by the 3rd day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

You Gotta Love them Ohio Women!
A couple drove down a country road for several
miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to
an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their
position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,
and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws.."
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how
you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same
time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God
made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

A man was embarrassed about having a Wooden Leg, and a Bald Head so, when he received an invitation to a Fancy Dress Ball, he panicked, because he didn't want people to notice his problems

 His friend advised him to write to a Fancy Dress Company and explain his dilemma.

 A few days later, a huge parcel arrived and, on opening it, he found a Pirate's outfit.

 The enclosed letter informed him that the Spotted Handkerchief would hide his Bald Head, and the Wooden Leg would be ideal for him to take on the character of Long John Silver. 

The man was outraged, and wrote a strong letter back, complaining that all they had done was to draw even more attention to his Wooden Leg!

 Some time later, another parcel arrived. This time it contained a Monk's Habit.

 The enclosed letter informed him that the Habit would hide his leg, and the Bald Head would fit the part perfectly!

 The man wrote an even angrier letter back, pointing out that now the costume would emphasise his Bald Head.

 By return of post, he received a small packet and a note which read:-

 "We enclose a tin of Treacle. We suggest that you pour this over your Bald

 Head, stick your Wooden Leg up your Arse, and go as a Toffee Apple!!"

 

Sisters of St Francis

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the comer of his eye. . . . . It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.  Soon he sees another sign,  which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
 
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business. . . ."
 
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.  The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door".
  He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs,  "Please place £100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door  at the end of this hallway"


He gets £100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.  He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. . . . .

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT,
YOU SINNER!

 

THE ULTIMATE SENIOR MOMENT

At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat
surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, ! bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once.
You are truly a great lover, "Morris."

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I
was here already? 

                                                  An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...                             Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman
steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one...
 A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They
 turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone  line,
 covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
 They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi
 arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The  cat they had let out into the yard scoots back into the house.
 They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries
 to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes
 inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
 The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty.
 She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's
 just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
 A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so
 long," he says, as they drive away.
 "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat
 hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to  keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs  and threw her out into the back yard!"
 The cabdriver hit a parked car...
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.
He said, "Preacher, I tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"
 The preacher said, "Thank you, sir, but I'd rather you didn't use that
 kind   of language in the Lord's House."
 The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"
 The preacher said, "No shit!?"

      

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